Some kids have no problem. They start school and instantly have a gang – a best friend, birthday party invitations, play dates, sleep-overs. For other children, the social aspects of school can be difficult. Sometimes this is because the child has a diagnosis of Asperger’s Disorder, Autism, or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and sometimes the child is just shy. As a therapist with years of experience working in schools, I’ve seen how tough the school day can be if a child has not figured out how to make and keep friends. I know there are simple steps that you as a parent can take to help make friendship easier for your child.

1. Talk about it

The first step is to talk to your child and make sure there really is a problem. Some kids are more introverted than others and they need a lot of alone time. Not every child wants to be the class president or most popular student. But every kid needs to learn how to get along with peers, work in a group and have satisfying social interactions. Try to discuss friendship with your child and set a realistic goal, such as a couple of friends, an occasional play date or someone to eat lunch with.

2. Get to know the other parents

Other parents are your best resource. A friendly parent can help pave the way for your own child, introducing him to the gang, inviting her for play dates. Also, parents may not be comfortable extending or accepting invitations to kids when they don’t know the parents. Usually, parents of small children will be waiting together at school as it gets out. For even the most introverted parent, this can be a low key, easy place to meet people and a great opportunity to allow a little after school free play. Try to show up a bit early, smile and be sociable, and let your child have some free time with classmates. For older kids, see if you can volunteer at the school and meet the other parents there.

3. Try to join groups

Find a group that your child can be a part of, whether it’s scouts, drama, an after school class, or a sports team. This new setting may allow your child’s special skills to shine in a way they don’t in the classroom. It’s also a new opportunity for you to meet other parents. A bonus is that often the entire team is invited to a pizza party or a camping trip. Of course, if the family is invited, you should make every attempt to attend also, even if your own introverted nature makes this tough.

4. Work on social skills

This brings us to the next point, social skills. When your child is playing after school or at the pizza party, you have the perfect opportunity to watch her interact. Is your child being bossy, clingy, whiny or difficult in other ways? Public places are not ideal for discussing the problems you see. Wait until you get home and then talk to your child, pulling in the friendship goals you’ve already set. If you see major problems with social skills, you may want to address this further in a social skills group.

5. Pay attention to appearance

Your child may care nothing about his appearance, and maybe you admire his independent spirit. Unfortunately the other kids may not be as open-minded. If friendships are being impacted, some degree of conformity may be a compromise you’re willing to make. Take a look at the other kids at school. Does your child stand out from the rest of the class? You don’t have to bow to fashion and buy the most stylish and expensive clothes, but maybe a simple move away from the too-short-pants and bright over-sized sweatshirt will help your child be one of the gang. Pay attention to hygiene and personal habits too. Behavior that’s OK in kindergarten can be a social death knell in middle school.

6. Beware of being too different

Your child may be brilliant, unique and know everything about comets, and you can see how delightful he is, but the truth is, the other kids may just think he’s weird. Don’t think your child has to give up his special interests and talents. Aim instead to supplement these areas with something more universally accepted. Sit down as a family and watch the popular TV shows or go to a blockbuster movie. School is similar to your office, where everyone is discussing the Super Bowl or the presidential primary. At school, your child will have an easier time if she has been to the school carnival or seen the latest episode of Hannah Montana.

7. Take the plunge – Invite someone over

For more reserved parents, the idea of a child’s play-dates can be a bit daunting. But, it’s an important step, because it helps move the friendship outside of the realm of just “school friends.” If your child has not had play-dates before, relax. You don’t need to structure activities or entertain the children. Discuss in advance what activities your child might enjoy doing with a friend and then try to step out of the picture. As a backup, set up a few simple projects in case things are not running smoothly, such as an easy craft project or a movie to watch on TV. You might want to set up a private signal to use with your child if you need to correct your child’s behavior.

8. One special friend

Sometimes, all it takes is one special friend. If your child can make just one friend, that eases the way throughout the school day. He’ll have a partner for projects and someone to eat lunch with. Bullies will usually choose a solo target rather than a pair. For many kids, one friend is enough.

9. Encourage more than one friend

That said, one friend can be a problem. Depending on the situation, your child may be demanding too much from his solitary friend. Watch for signals that the best friend is feeling overwhelmed. This may take the form of complaints from your child that the best friend invited someone else for a sleep-over, or would not eat lunch together as usual. This should not mean the end of the friendship. It just signals to your child that he should move out a bit and socialize with a few other kids.

10. If all else fails

If these simple steps are not helping, don’t despair! There are many other options. The teacher may be able to step in and assist your child. Many teachers will deliberately set up table and work groups to help shyer kids socialize. Find a social skills group by talking to the principal, or searching online. Therapists and other mental health professionals can work on the basics with you and your child.

Finally, progress takes time. Your child does not have to get there all at once and things may get easier as your child matures. The group dynamics of every class will be different. Middle school may provide more kids to choose from, so your child can find a group where he fits. Just keep making an effort and trying new things.

Patricia Robinson, MA, MFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in California. She has offices in Danville and San Ramon, CA and works with children and families. Patricia focuses on kids with Asperger’s Disorder, High Functioning Autism, Nonverbal Learning Disorder and other Pervasive Developmental Disorders. She has an MA in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University as well as Engineering degrees from MIT. Please visit her at http://www.patriciarobinsonmft.com

Copyright © by RaiseYourChild.org. All Rights Reserved.

Attending dance movement sessions can bring numerous benefits on many different levels. The pupils learn to listen to instructions and become a member of a group. They learn to express feelings and emotions physically in a non-aggressive manner. Familiarity with their bodies is increased and they learn to use them creatively. Physical flexibility , co-ordination and cardiovascular fitness all improve. Classes are team-building and confidence enhancing. The participants discover that the whole of their bodies can register feelings of touch. Arms, legs, feet, knees, back or butt all feed back sensations of touch.

Classes need to include rhythm and instrumental work, singing accompanied with movement, body awareness exercises, dance improvisations to music and contact improvisation. Contact improvisation is partner work where the weight between the two close moving partners gives rise to the movement.It is a pleasurable, free-flowing dance form. It is sometimes referred to as an art sport because it combines gymnastic and poetic qualities, a healing art because it promotes physical and mental well-being. It is a movement form uniquely suited to blind and deaf/blind people because it is based on the sense of touch.The dance emerges from paying attention to sensations on the surface of the skin and inside the body as two people move in close physical contact.

Kjersti Engebrigtsen a Norwegian dance movement therapist writes ” it is often said that the blind understand sequence by touching one thing at a time Dancing on the contrary is a simultaneous experience”.

I have had blind pupils in the groups of children with special needs with whom I have had the pleasure of working. Some of them were in wheelchairs with no voluntary movement. Their class teachers and I worked on the floor with them. Usually the pupil was positioned between our outstretched legs leaning back against our chests for spinal support. We never, ever manipulated their limbs. The sessions were mainly about gentle movements to music with sensory elements such as texture, smell and light included. This group had very severe problems but they obviously enjoyed the classes.

We also did square dances with the children in wheelchairs. This activity was much appreciated by them. It increased their spatial awareness as well as their feelings for speed and direction.

I have also worked with blind teenagers in a mixed ability group. Here the emphasis was on socialization and confidence building. There were many activities which needed total confidence in other people. One such activity was standing upright on the vaulting horse and leaping off to be caught by many willing hands. I tried this with my eyes closed and it was terrifying! I really admired the complete trust shown by these young people.

Gender issues arose with this group and we had to be extra sensitive to each individuals choices, wishes, likes and dislikes. A session of social dancing was always included. Being able to take part in social dancing gives teenagers confidence at a time when they are endeavouring to lead a more independent social life. It’s good for them to be able to behave in the same way as their peers.

At the moment there is a great deal of innovative work going on in this field. The Third St. Ensemble Company, based in Tuscon in the United States, has a mixed company of children, young adults with or without disabilities, blind and deaf dancers.Amazingly the company performs in English, Spanish and American Sign Language. Wheelchairs are incorporated as props in contact improvisational techniques.

Many of you will know of “Dance Dance Revolution” a game played on a Play Station console. Students at the University of North Carolina had an idea for a modification which would get visually impaired children moving while teaching them braille. They adapted “DDR” mats so that they could be connected to the USB port on a PC. This has created a game which gets the children moving while teaching them braille characters at the same time. The children use their hands, feet, head or other parts of their bodies to press appropriate dots for the braille character. Schools throughout North Carolina are now using this system which helps improve spacial awareness while also improving muscle strength.

Buse Gowda of Bangalore, India lost his sight at three years old due to an accident. Ashok Kumar was a dance teacher engaged by the Ramana Maharishi Academy for the blind. He had no idea how to teach dance to visually impaired students. It was Buse Gowanda who asked Ashok Kumar to demonstrate and hold a pose. He then felt his teachers’ limbs to understand and explore the pose. Buse Gowda then tried to copy the pose. To help his students Ashok Kumar created a “touch and feel” technique. Buse Gowda is now a renowned dancer who excels in facial expressions. He received a national award in 2000 for outstanding achievement in the field of creative arts.

This just shows that blindness does not stop those with talent from being great dancers if we give them the opportunity.

About the Author

Dzagbe Cudjoe is a Dance Movement Therapist and ethnologist with wide experience of Dance in Africa and Europe. As an ethnologist her main field of research was into West African traditional religion. As a Dance Movement Therapist her area of specialization is working with children who have challenging behaviour or severe physical and intellectual Special Needs. Dzagbe is now working on helping the parents of such children to appreciate the healing effects of dance. She is the author of the e-manual “Dance to Health – Help Your Special Needs Child Through Inspirational Dance.” For more Information visit Dance to Health

Copyright © by RaiseYourChild.org. All Rights Reserved.

Parents are biologically adapted to respond to their developing infants’ needs, we almost cannot help but engage in baby-talk when confronted with a small child. However, interactions with infants are very much two-way events.

For some of us, playing is natural and we make no apologies for it, for me it is the most effective way of developing relatedness with a child and it is FUN!

When a parent interacts with a normally developing infant, the infant is as much a participant in that interaction as the adult, a kind of dance. However, studies have shown that children with autism do not provide their adult partner with the expected kind of participation.

Without an appropriate partner in the dance, parents may not know quite what to do, and as this gets repeated over and over again, the quality of the interactions may diminish. Parents of children with ASD should be aware of this issue and compensate for their child’s lack of appropriate participation.

When children are enjoying spending time with you, they will come and initiate interactions with you. This is true for the great majority of children with autism as it is for normally developing children. Once they are coming to you, you can then start to scaffold their learning, and you will find teaching other things will be easier because now you have their attention and trust.

However, over the years I have worked with many colleagues who just don’t find playing natural, they feel much more comfortable “teaching” something. If this sounds like you, then my plea is this: play first, other stuff can wait.

My personal experience has shown me that this works. I urge you try it for yourself. Play with your child just for the sake of playing and see what opens up. However, make sure that you are enjoying yourself, don’t harbor any nagging thoughts that you should be “teaching” something instead.

Relax, you will be “teaching”. You are teaching your child that you are worth spending time with, and that hanging out with you is more interesting than spending time on their own.

Children with autism by definition have difficulty with social interaction. Isn’t it wonderful to teach them to interact with people (you initially), in such a joyous way?”

Author Description

Alan Yau heads up the Autistic unit at a primary school in North London in
the UK where he is responsible for teaching 18 children across the whole Autistic
spectrum. See http://www.teaching-children-with-autism.com

Copyright © by RaiseYourChild.org. All Rights Reserved.

Children with poor social skills are at risk for delinquency, academic underachievement, and school drop-out. Even though the inattentiveness, impulsiveness, and restlessness frequently persist into adult life, these problems are of less importance as the child gets older. Rather, the main difficulty ADHD patients encounter as they reach maturity is their inability to interact appropriately with others.

ADHD children often lack the social skills that are essential to success in life. These children can be socially inept, and their lack of interpersonal skills may cause them a multitude of difficulties. In addition, positive relationships with friends in childhood provide a critical buffer against stress and help to protect against psychological and psychiatric problems. ADHD children lack these positive interactions and thus are at risk for a number of emotional problems.

Probably 60% of ADHD children suffer from peer rejection. ADHD children are less often chosen by peers to be best friends, partners in activities, or seatmates. As the children grow older, their social problems seem to get worse. Their inappropriate behavior leads to further social rejection and exacerbates their inability to relate to others appropriately. Long term these children are more likely to have difficulty finding and maintaining successful careers. This is not surprising since social aptitude can make or break careers and relationships in the adult world.

Causes of Poor Peer Relationships

ADHD children are frequently disliked or neglected by their peers. It is difficult to determine all the factors that make a child unpopular, but children who frequently display aggressive or negative behavior tend to be rejected by their peers.

Impulsivity and Aggression

ADHD children tend to be more impulsive and aggressive than other children. Teachers observe that the social interactions of ADHD children more often involve fighting and interrupting others. These children are more intense than others and behave inappropriately in social contexts. For example, ADHD children are more likely to yell, run around and talk at unsuitable times. They also tend to want to dominate play, engage in off task behaviors and engage more in teasing and physical jostling of peers. This sets up a process of peer rejection.

Academic Problems

ADHD children often do not do well in school. Poor school performance by itself does not result in social rejection. However, the way the child responds to his academic difficulties can contribute to inappropriate social behavior. Children who cannot engage themselves with classroom work assignments often disrupt and irritate their peers.

Inattention

ADHD children have difficulty with sustained attention. Deficit in attention seems to be related to peer rejection independently of the aggressive, impulsive, and hyperactive behaviors of ADHD children. These children become bored more easily than other children. As a result, they are more likely to become disruptive in the classroom.

ADHD children have difficulty in modulating their behavior and changing their conduct as the situation demands. They have apparent social-cognitive deficits that limit their ability to encode and recall rules of social cues. Children with ADHD pay less attention to others verbally in games and other activities.

Many ADHD children are aware that they are socially inept. Children who are anxious or fearful about peer relations are unlikely to behave in an effective manner. These children withdraw from peer interactions and, in this way, limit their ability to gain acceptance and friendship.

Children are rejected by peers when they appear to be different. Similarity fosters social acceptance. Because ADHD children do not learn social clues as well as other children, they tend to be viewed as strange.

Bad Behavior

One of the keys to your child’s social success is proper behavior. If your ADHD or ODD child frequently misbehaves, it is your obligation as a parent to teach your child how to improve his behavior.

If your child is aggressive or defiant, if he does not accept the authority of adults, or if he conducts himself in a such a way that children his age will view him as a behavior problem, then your child will have a difficult time making and maintaining friendships. The friends he will attract are other aggressive problem children, the type of child with whom which you would rather your child not associate.

All children need friends. Behavior problem children have trouble making friends with others, so these children tend to congregate together. They reinforce each other’s bad behavior. If you are an aware parent and you have control of your child you can put a stop to friendships with these children. However, you must have control of your child’s behavior in order to help him to avoid the trap of bad friends.

Conclusion

Helping children with ADHD build close peer relationships is an important goal to focus on, and is one that often may be over looked. You, as a parent, have the ability to help your child accomplish this important social goal. You should make every effort to help your child in this area. His psychological health and his happiness, both now and in the future, are very much dependent upon how successful he is at making and maintaining childhood friendships.

About the Author

Anthony Kane, MD is a physician and international lecturer who has been helping parents of children with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder online since 2003. Get help with Oppositional Defiant Disorder child behavior, help with defiant teens and adolescents ADHD treatment ( http://addadhdadvances.com/childyoulove.html ) and ADHD information.