Some kids have no problem. They start school and instantly have a gang – a best friend, birthday party invitations, play dates, sleep-overs. For other children, the social aspects of school can be difficult. Sometimes this is because the child has a diagnosis of Asperger’s Disorder, Autism, or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and sometimes the child is just shy. As a therapist with years of experience working in schools, I’ve seen how tough the school day can be if a child has not figured out how to make and keep friends. I know there are simple steps that you as a parent can take to help make friendship easier for your child.

1. Talk about it

The first step is to talk to your child and make sure there really is a problem. Some kids are more introverted than others and they need a lot of alone time. Not every child wants to be the class president or most popular student. But every kid needs to learn how to get along with peers, work in a group and have satisfying social interactions. Try to discuss friendship with your child and set a realistic goal, such as a couple of friends, an occasional play date or someone to eat lunch with.

2. Get to know the other parents

Other parents are your best resource. A friendly parent can help pave the way for your own child, introducing him to the gang, inviting her for play dates. Also, parents may not be comfortable extending or accepting invitations to kids when they don’t know the parents. Usually, parents of small children will be waiting together at school as it gets out. For even the most introverted parent, this can be a low key, easy place to meet people and a great opportunity to allow a little after school free play. Try to show up a bit early, smile and be sociable, and let your child have some free time with classmates. For older kids, see if you can volunteer at the school and meet the other parents there.

3. Try to join groups

Find a group that your child can be a part of, whether it’s scouts, drama, an after school class, or a sports team. This new setting may allow your child’s special skills to shine in a way they don’t in the classroom. It’s also a new opportunity for you to meet other parents. A bonus is that often the entire team is invited to a pizza party or a camping trip. Of course, if the family is invited, you should make every attempt to attend also, even if your own introverted nature makes this tough.

4. Work on social skills

This brings us to the next point, social skills. When your child is playing after school or at the pizza party, you have the perfect opportunity to watch her interact. Is your child being bossy, clingy, whiny or difficult in other ways? Public places are not ideal for discussing the problems you see. Wait until you get home and then talk to your child, pulling in the friendship goals you’ve already set. If you see major problems with social skills, you may want to address this further in a social skills group.

5. Pay attention to appearance

Your child may care nothing about his appearance, and maybe you admire his independent spirit. Unfortunately the other kids may not be as open-minded. If friendships are being impacted, some degree of conformity may be a compromise you’re willing to make. Take a look at the other kids at school. Does your child stand out from the rest of the class? You don’t have to bow to fashion and buy the most stylish and expensive clothes, but maybe a simple move away from the too-short-pants and bright over-sized sweatshirt will help your child be one of the gang. Pay attention to hygiene and personal habits too. Behavior that’s OK in kindergarten can be a social death knell in middle school.

6. Beware of being too different

Your child may be brilliant, unique and know everything about comets, and you can see how delightful he is, but the truth is, the other kids may just think he’s weird. Don’t think your child has to give up his special interests and talents. Aim instead to supplement these areas with something more universally accepted. Sit down as a family and watch the popular TV shows or go to a blockbuster movie. School is similar to your office, where everyone is discussing the Super Bowl or the presidential primary. At school, your child will have an easier time if she has been to the school carnival or seen the latest episode of Hannah Montana.

7. Take the plunge – Invite someone over

For more reserved parents, the idea of a child’s play-dates can be a bit daunting. But, it’s an important step, because it helps move the friendship outside of the realm of just “school friends.” If your child has not had play-dates before, relax. You don’t need to structure activities or entertain the children. Discuss in advance what activities your child might enjoy doing with a friend and then try to step out of the picture. As a backup, set up a few simple projects in case things are not running smoothly, such as an easy craft project or a movie to watch on TV. You might want to set up a private signal to use with your child if you need to correct your child’s behavior.

8. One special friend

Sometimes, all it takes is one special friend. If your child can make just one friend, that eases the way throughout the school day. He’ll have a partner for projects and someone to eat lunch with. Bullies will usually choose a solo target rather than a pair. For many kids, one friend is enough.

9. Encourage more than one friend

That said, one friend can be a problem. Depending on the situation, your child may be demanding too much from his solitary friend. Watch for signals that the best friend is feeling overwhelmed. This may take the form of complaints from your child that the best friend invited someone else for a sleep-over, or would not eat lunch together as usual. This should not mean the end of the friendship. It just signals to your child that he should move out a bit and socialize with a few other kids.

10. If all else fails

If these simple steps are not helping, don’t despair! There are many other options. The teacher may be able to step in and assist your child. Many teachers will deliberately set up table and work groups to help shyer kids socialize. Find a social skills group by talking to the principal, or searching online. Therapists and other mental health professionals can work on the basics with you and your child.

Finally, progress takes time. Your child does not have to get there all at once and things may get easier as your child matures. The group dynamics of every class will be different. Middle school may provide more kids to choose from, so your child can find a group where he fits. Just keep making an effort and trying new things.

Patricia Robinson, MA, MFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in California. She has offices in Danville and San Ramon, CA and works with children and families. Patricia focuses on kids with Asperger’s Disorder, High Functioning Autism, Nonverbal Learning Disorder and other Pervasive Developmental Disorders. She has an MA in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University as well as Engineering degrees from MIT. Please visit her at http://www.patriciarobinsonmft.com

Copyright © by RaiseYourChild.org. All Rights Reserved.

Are you at your wits end with cycle after cycle of bad behavior with your child? Do you raise your voice more than you’d like to?

It is true that children know exactly what buttons to push when it comes to discipline. They know when and how to test your allowances. YOU…The parent, should be in full charge. Not the other way around. A colorful sticker chart proudly displayed on your refrigerator can be of some significant assistance.

A behavior modification plan (if used properly) can successfully break through the cycles of undesirable or bad behavior. This can also be an effective learning tool to assist them in progressing to a new level of social development. Children love stickers. They make them feel special.

Present this behavior modification plan to your child with enthusiasm. Talk about it in a positive way. Let them know that you want them to learn and maintain good behavior habits and this is a really fun way of doing it. Take them shopping with you to pick out the stickers. Have your spouse join in on the excitement.

It is advised to give the plan four to six weeks to be effective. This should give your child a clear understanding of YOUR expectations for his or her behavior. These charts can also be used to assist with daily chores and homework.

Sticker charts assisted me in disciplining my own son. It worked like a charm. You can use various colors of construction paper to make these charts. I used the color blue. That is my son’s favorite color. I used a black magic marker to outline the charts. But, use your imagination…you can make them up however you wish. You can also use poster paper.

At the top of the chart, write your child’s name. Then list the desirable behaviors that he or she need to learn. For example: honesty, cooperation, responsibility, kindness.

Making a chart up for each month is ideal. Draw lines separating the listed behaviors. Place the date on the left side of the chart…drawing lines for each day of the month. This way, you will have a square to display a sticker for good behavior for that particular day. Make sure you have bright, colorful stickers on hand at all times. They can include, smiley faces, stars, hearts…anything that you think will capture your child’s attention or anything they might like.

For each day your child earns your approval on a particular behavior, place a sticker on the chart for that day. Be generous when just beginning the plan to motivate and encourage. Then adjust the amount of rewards accordingly.

Help your child understand the value behind these behavior changes…(to feel better about themselves, not just to please you.)

Here are some helpful tips:

1) Be consistent with the plan. If your child feels that you have lost interest in the charts…he or she will most likely lose interest as well.

2) Go the extra mile and really show your admiration, appreciation, and approval when they display desirable behavior.

3) Take stickers with you wherever you go. You can also reward your child with them when you’re away from home. Children love to wear them on their clothes.

4) These charts are beneficial for teachers as well as parents

5) When your child completes a whole week (or month) earning stickers consequetively everyday, give them a special treat. Go out for pizza, go to the show, or let them invite a friend to stay over for the weekend.

6) (Important)…Never, ever forget to use plenty of smiles, hugs, kisses, and praise along with the rewards. Hugs and kisses go a long way. It is important to let your children know they are loved special.

Article written by: Tammy Embrich

Tammy is an Internet Marketer and is the Owner of Work At Home Opportunities, owner of Real Work At Home Jobs, and owner of Parent Zone. Tammy’s two WAH websites focus on free telecommute job leads and more.

Copyright © by RaiseYourChild.org. All Rights Reserved.

Get up… take the kids to school… Starbucks venti skinny vanilla latte triple shot… go to work… first bite to eat at Noon… five-thirty… pick up kids… McDonald’s fly by… drop one off at soccer practice… drop one off at football… back to pick up first from soccer… pick up second from football… home by 8:30… help kids with homework… snack… tuck kids in bed… collapse… oh – and who was that strange man in my bed I call my husband?

Sound familiar?

Today’s society places great importance on how involved our kids are in sports and activities. Our children are so overscheduled now that families are completely torn apart. Mom is on one side of town watching one kid’s game while Dad is at the other’s. And if you have three, forget it! Fast food is the norm and the parents and kids are exhausted and disconnected.

Reasoning for such aggressive schedules is typically quite honorable, “I want my children to have the opportunities I didn’t have.”… “Sports teach discipline, hard work, and team work.”… “They make great friends through their activities, friends they’ll have for life.” These are statements from parents who love their children and truly want the best for them. However, what is often overlooked is that the downside of heavy involvement in sports and other extracurricular activities may greatly outweigh the upside. Parents know they’re tired, they know the kids are cranky, they know their marriage is lifeless, but due to today’s societal pressures it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment to even consider cutting back on this crazy lifestyle and deprive their children. Friends will look down upon them and the children surely won’t do as well as their peers who have spent countless hours on the soccer field and even more going through drive-thru’s.

It has gotten so out of hand that one news reporter didn’t even catch the hypocrisy when he said in one breath that “obesity in children is at an all time high” and then stated, “Sports involvement is also at an all time high which is a great way to battle the obesity epidemic.” Is it too far of a stretch to believe that maybe one is actually responsible for the other? If we know that 80% of health is related to eating habits, and these kids’ eating habits border on horrific, then wouldn’t it be a logical conclusion that this crazy lifestyle may actually be causing obesity in kids? It’s certainly something to consider.

But even beyond the obesity debate, there’s the problem of the disconnected family. Most children today live in some sort of a split-parenting lifestyle due to the extremely high rate of divorce. So these kids are being shuffled from house to house and then shuffled even more when they are at those houses. The new definition of “family” is fuzzy at best and we exacerbate this when we split up the newly blended family (2nd or 3rd marriage) with everyone going in different directions.

While the kids have structure they have little down time just to be a kid and develop their wonderful ability to be imaginative. When they’re not scheduled for something they often don’t know what to do. The have little sense of family and what is truly important in life (family, love, relationships) as winning a game can be more important than visiting with grandparents not seen for six months. And they are learning that what should be the most important relationship in the family (between Mom and Dad) comes last on the list of priorities. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high! On top of all that, how close can a parent really be with their child when they are watching them, not engaged with them. When there is no time to have deep conversations, they won’t happen.

So it’s pretty easy to see how these activities can literally pull a family apart and drive us away from what is most important. Family time, having a close relationship with our spouse and children, and experiencing life to its fullest. These are typically the items at the top of everyone’s priority list but wind up falling to the bottom in the soccer mom’s reality lifestyle. That’s where the Anti-Soccer Mom can make a difference…

Take Back Control

All the chaos is not good for anyone in the family. With everyone going in different directions, it’s impossible to live in accordance with your values. So you need to take back control. While it may not be easy at first, you need to cut back the kids’ schedule. Likely they will be resistant, just be sure to explain to them why. When they begin to understand that you are doing this because you love them and actually want to be around them, you may be surprised what a positive impact that can make. Typically these kids are feeling pretty neglected and misunderstood anyway, but just don’t know it. By slowing life down a little they will be getting the type of attention they have been missing dearly.

Once you’ve cut back on their schedule, then you need to fill the time with activities in line with your values. Here’s a bullet list from the Anti-Soccer Mom:

~ Rearrange your life in order to have sit-down meals together.
~ Invest in some family board games like Cranium and make sure to carve out the time to play them.
~ Purchase a subscription to the USA Today, skim it, and debate current world topics at the dinner table. Make sure no opinion is “right”, rather discuss values and ethics as it pertains to the subject.
~ Turn off the TV.
~ Play together – there’s nothing better than heading to a park and tossing a football around.
~ Illustrate how to have a great marriage by living it.
~ Show them how to take care of their bodies by taking care of your own.

It’s what we do every day that teaches our children how to live and love. Make sure your actions and messages are congruent with what you believe and want to teach.

And don’t be afraid to be the Anti-Soccer Mom on your block. You might be surprised that they likely will envy your new and wonderful lifestyle.

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On one hand girls are told, “You can do and be anything if you believe in yourself and follow your dreams.” On the other hand they are given the message that the ideal girls is one who behaves like a sex object or acts so composed and masculine that she scares off anyone who crosses her path.

If girls are made to feel like they do not have any real value beyond their looks or that they have to fit the media’s cookie-cutter image of a “real girl,” or they have to act like men to be taken seriously; then they will grow up confused and insecure.

The good news is as a mother and woman with life experience under your belt, you already know a lot about what it takes to help girls become strong and secure. Here are seven tips to help your daughter build confidence.

1. Help Her To Believe In Herself

If girls believe in themselves and have a healthy sense of identity, they will be able to assert their needs and see themselves as capable and lovable individuals. Show your daughter that you her and enjoy her company. Give her special tasks that enable her to feel significant, noticed and successful.

2. Value Her Uniqueness

Every girl needs to be accepted for who she is. This builds her confidence and her ability to stand her ground when pressured to stray away from her values. Let your daughter know what you admire about her. Encourage her to pursue her own unique interests. Make a conscious effort to understand her, even if you don’t agree with her. Teach her how to speak up for herself, even if others disagree with her point of view.

3. Help Her Feel Like She Belongs

Girls have a profound need to be accepted, to be part of a social circle that she fits in with. When she fits in socially, it meets her need for a social identity and helps her not to feel like an outcast. Help her meet her need to belong in a positive way by including her in family decisions. Get her input about decisions that will impact her. Help her to find social clubs, community groups and extra-curricular activities that allow her to nurture her interests and expand her social world. Be on the look out for signs of loneliness and social isolation.

4. Acknowledge Her Feelings

Feelings are fundamental. They help us make sense of the world. The sooner a girl learns that it’s ok to express her feelings, the better able she will be to communicate with others and stand up for herself. Acknowledge your daughter’s feelings and give her feelings validity. Share in her joys and struggles. Help her to put a bad day into perspective and not obsess over what other people think. Help her to trust her intuition.

5. Understand Her Social World

The social world of girls presents many opportunities and challenges. Ask her about her friends and interests. Teach her how to handle emotional bullying, sarcasm and the other kinds of subtle and not so subtle behaviors that girls often engage in to exert their influence, boost their status within the peer group and socially intimidate other girls. But also explain to her that there are many girls who do not engage in this kind of behavior and the best rule of thumb to live by is: Treat others as you would like to be treated.

6. Deal Sensitively With Peer Pressure

Throughout history girls have been faced with the pressure to confirm. But nowadays this pressure is happening at a younger and younger age. Help your daughter to feel accepted as she is. Discuss the issue of peer pressure and the dangers of engaging in behaviors that go against your values or lead to negative outcomes. Try not to be overly critical of her. This only makes her want to be more rebellious.

7. Be Realistic In Your Expectations

Every mother has her own set of expectations for her children. However, it’s important that your expectations are age and ability appropriate and not so rigid and unrealistic that your daughter feels like nothing she does will ever be good enough for you. If she feels like she can never measure up, she may stop trying all together. Encourage her to put her best foot forward, but give her room to be human.

Copyright 2008 by Cassandra Mack.

Cassandra Mack is a girls empowerment expert and the author of, “Cool, Confident and Strong: 52 Power Moves for Girls.” For more information go to: http://www.coolconfidentandstrongcampaign.com

Copyright © by RaiseYourChild.org. All Rights Reserved.

Some of the most important times I remember with my family were when my sisters and I were kids making crafts together around the kitchen table – and one of the best times we had was making friendship bracelets.

Our Mom let us each invite a friend to come over and she taught us all how to make friendship bracelets. She had bought lots of embroidery yarn (floss) in wonderful colors – I especially remember purple – my favorite at that time. We all gathered around the table and watched as her hands began to produce a row of colorful knots that grew into several inches of pattern .We were engrossed by what she was doing and eager to start making our own. Mom had already made several bracelets so she could show us some very colorful examples – we were hooked on friendship bracelets.

She helped each of us get started on a basic simple pattern after we had chosen our floss – and I remember sitting around our kitchen table, my fingers learning to move the floss in and out to make knots – and happily chattering away with my girlfriends. When we finished my Mom talked to us about the value of friendship and how a friend can grow with you as you become a teenager, young woman and mother. I remember listening to my Mom telling about her lifelong friendships and how important they have been to her. I couldn’t really understand the value of it all, at that time, but it stuck with me.

My friends and I helped each other tie the friendship bracelets on our wrists, and for weeks when we saw each other wearing the friendship bracelet it signified an unspoken connection. Fast forward 15 years. Do I still know where that friendship bracelet is today? No, somewhere along the way it was discarded or lost. Do I still know where those girlfriends are today? – yes I do. Maybe we formed a strong bond around my Mother’s stories on the value of friendship and we bonded together over some colorful strands of yarn that we slipped over our wrists to signify Best Friends Forever. Whatever the magic, these friends are still an important part of my life.

And the value of projects together around the kitchen table has been passed along in my own family to my kids. We work together on many things, laughing and learning to help each other and share.

Perhaps you’d like to teach your children how to make friendship bracelets. Carve out a
Saturday morning, clear off the kitchen table and spend time together. Who knows what that friendship bracelet might knot together.

Instructions

* embroidery thread in various colors

* scissors

*cardboard

Basic friendship bracelet

1. Using a piece of a cardboard box or the back of a notebook, make a board to hold your thread.

2. Cut half-inch slits along the bottom of the cardboard and one at the top of the cardboard in the middle.

3. Take 4 threads of equal length (about 18 inches) and tie them together at the top. You can make your bracelet wider by using more threads.

4. Place the knot through the slit at the top of the cardboard and place each individual thread in the slits at the bottom of the cardboard. The order that you line up your thread is the order in which they will appear in the bracelet.

5. Start with the thread furthest to the left, place it over the thread next to it in the shape of a “4″.

6. Then, bring it under that thread and pull it through. Do this twice. Continue making the “4″-shaped knot over the rest of the threads until the thread that was originally on the left is now on the right.

7. Now repeat the steps above, always starting with the first string on the left.

8. Remember to leave enough extra thread so that you can tie it.

9. When you’re done, you can wear it around your wrist.

www.howtomakefriendshipbracelets.blogspot.com